Why Does My Career Suddenly Feel Wrong After Having a Baby?
You spent years building your career. You climbed the ladder, earned the degrees, and checked the boxes. You were driven, ambitious, and successful. And then you had a baby.
Now, as you're finishing maternity leave or considering your next career move, something feels... off. The job you loved? It doesn't fit anymore. The ambitions that drove you feel hollow. And the identity you built it's slowly shifting under your feet.
And the worst part? You feel guilty about it. Ungrateful. Weak. Like maybe you're just another millennial who can't handle the real world.
But the truth is that you're not broken. Your values shifted. And that's not a flaw—it's an awakening.
Let me explain why this happens, why it's so disorienting for high achievers, especially, and what you can do about it.
The High Achiever's Dilemma: When Box-Ticking Stops Working
If you've always been a high achiever—someone who set goals and crushed them—you're used to having control. You identify the path, create the strategy, execute the plan. Want a promotion? Here's how. Want to break into a new field? Done. Want the corner office? Let's go.
This approach works beautifully for career advancement. But it completely falls apart when it comes to fertility, pregnancy, and parenting.
You can't "strategize" your way into getting pregnant on a timeline. You can't "execute" your way through the newborn phase. You can't "optimize" the emotional transformation of becoming a parent.
And for high achievers, this loss of control is devastating.
You might throw yourself deeper into work—the one place where you still feel competent and validated. You might compensate for the parts of life that feel out of control by overachieving in the areas you can control.
But then you have the baby. And everything changes.
What Actually Changes When You Become a Parent (It's Not What You Think)
Before becoming a parent, you might imagine that you'll take maternity leave, bond with your baby, and then return to work with your identity mostly intact. Baby becomes a new part of your life, but work remains central. The path continues.
Here's what actually happens for many people: becoming a parent doesn't add to your identity—it fundamentally restructures it.
Suddenly, the career achievements that used to light you up feel... less important. The long hours don't seem worth it anymore. The praise from your boss doesn't hit the same way. The trajectory you were on—the one you worked so hard to build—doesn't align with who you're becoming.
This isn't about "loving your baby more than your job" (though that might be part of it). It's about your values shifting at a foundational level.
You start asking different questions:
"What am I actually building here?"
"Who benefits from my hard work?"
"What's the end goal of all this box-ticking?"
"What do I want my child to see me doing?"
And those questions can be terrifying—because they don't have easy answers.
Why This Hits High Achievers Especially Hard
If you've always been driven by external validation—degrees, titles, promotions, praise—becoming a parent can trigger an identity crisis.
Because here's the thing: parenting doesn't come with performance reviews. There's no promotion. No corner office. No award for "Mother of the Quarter."
The metrics you've always used to measure success don't apply anymore. And worse, the work culture you excelled in? It wasn't designed with parents in mind.
So you're left standing at a crossroads:
Option A: Return to work and try to maintain the same trajectory, even though it feels misaligned
Option B: Make a change (reduce hours, shift roles, leave entirely), which feels risky and potentially irresponsible
And both options feel wrong. Because what you really want is Option C: Something entirely different that doesn't exist yet.
The "Golden Handcuffs" Reality
Let's talk about the practical constraints, because they're real.
Maybe your employer offered a maternity leave top-up, and now you owe them a certain amount of time back. Maybe you have a pension that vests at a certain milestone. Maybe you have benefits your family depends on. Maybe your partner's job is less stable, so yours needs to be the reliable one.
These aren't small things. They're called "golden handcuffs" for a reason—they're benefits that simultaneously support you and constrain you.
And here's what makes it even harder: society tells you that you should be grateful for these benefits. That wanting something different makes you entitled or ungrateful.
But wanting flexibility, fulfillment, and alignment with your values isn't entitlement. It's being human.
The question isn't "Should I be grateful for stability?" (Yes, you can be.) The question is "Can I be grateful for what I have while also acknowledging it's no longer the right fit?"
The answer is yes.
What To Do When You're Stuck Between Who You Were and Who You're Becoming
If you're in this messy middle space, here's what can help:
1. Stop Calling It "Figuring It Out"
You don't need to have all the answers right now. You're not solving a problem—you're evolving. Give yourself permission to be in transition without knowing exactly where you're headed.
2. Separate "What I Can Control" from "What I Can't"
You might not be able to quit your job tomorrow. But you can:
Have conversations with your partner about long-term goals
Explore what roles might offer more flexibility
Start building skills for a future pivot
Set boundaries at your current job
Get support (therapy, coaching, trusted friends)
3. Question the "Should"
"I should be happy to return to work"
"I should want my old life back"
"I should be able to balance it all"
Every time you hear "should," ask: "According to whom?" Often, it's societal expectations, not your actual values.
4. Give Yourself a Runway, Not a Deadline
You don't need to decide your entire future by the end of maternity leave. You can:
Return to work while exploring other options
Test out reduced hours or a different role
Build something on the side
Save money to create more flexibility later
Change doesn't have to be immediate to be real.
5. Talk to People Who've Been There
Isolation makes everything harder. Find other parents who've navigated career transitions, fertility struggles, or identity shifts. You'll realize you're not broken—you're just changing.
The Permission You're Waiting For (Here It Is)
If you're waiting for someone to tell you it's okay to want something different—this is it.
It's okay to have loved your career and now feel differently about it.
It's okay to want both professional fulfillment and time with your child.
It's okay to not have it all figured out.
It's okay to take the "safe" path while you figure out the brave one.
It's okay to choose your family over your career trajectory.
And it's okay to grieve the person you were while becoming the person you're meant to be.
Want to Hear the Full Story?
This post is inspired by a conversation I had with Meredith MacKenzie, a counsellor, PhD candidate, and founder of Parallel Wellness, who shared her journey through fertility challenges, career success, and the identity shift of new motherhood.
In the full episode, we dive deeper into:
Her two-year fertility journey and how it impacted her mental health
The moment she realized she was "at war with her body"
How becoming a mom made her question the entire box-ticking mentality
The reality of "golden handcuffs" and return-of-service agreements
What it means to choose bravery over the safe path
Trigger warning: Topics such as disordered eating, infertility, and infant loss come up in this episode.