Why are high-achieving parents so bad at work-life balance?
Let me guess: you've got the color-coded calendar. The boundary-setting strategies. The morning routine that you definitely stick to (when your kid doesn't wake up at 5 AM).
You're organized. You're productive. You've read all the books.
And yet, you still feel... thin. Stretched. Like you're doing everything right but something's still fundamentally off.
That's because work-life balance—at least the way we've been taught to think about it—is basically a lie.
Or at the very least, it's the wrong question entirely.
Because when we talk about "balance," we're really talking about time management. We're asking: How do I fit it all in? How do I be everywhere at once? How do I split myself into enough pieces to satisfy everyone?
And the answer to that question will always leave you feeling like you're failing. Because you literally can't be in two places at once. You can't attend your kid's recital and take that important work call. It's binary. You're either here or there.
So we beat ourselves up for not being perfect at something that's physically impossible.
Here's the better question: Am I happy?
Not "Am I doing it all?" Not "Am I everywhere I need to be?" But genuinely, am I happy?
And if the answer is no, the fix isn't another productivity hack. It's not a better system for managing your time.
It's figuring out what you actually need to feel fulfilled. And spoiler: it's probably not what you think.
The three things human beings actually need to be happy (and it's not more hours in the day)
Psychology research has identified three core needs that determine whether you're thriving or just surviving:
Autonomy – feeling in control over your life and your choices
Competence – feeling good at something, like you matter
Belonging – feeling connected to others and part of a group
And here's the game-changer: you don't have to get all three from work.
In fact, it's actually safer if you don't.
Think about it. If all your feelings of competence come from your job, what happens when work is slow? When projects take months (or years) to complete? When you don't get that instant gratification?
You crash. You feel like you're failing. You question everything.
But if you're also getting competence from being a parent, or from a hobby, or from literally anything else? You have a buffer. You're not putting all your eggs in one basket.
Which is why, when you're stressed, sometimes the answer is to bake banana bread.
No, really. Hear me out.
Why completing one tiny thing can save your sanity
There's something deeply satisfying about starting a project and finishing it in the same sitting.
Mixing the batter. Putting it in the oven. Pulling out a warm loaf an hour later. Done. Complete. Tangible proof that you can accomplish something.
For working parents, especially ambitious ones who are used to complex projects with long timelines and uncertain outcomes, this is gold.
Because so much of our lives is unfinished. Your business is ongoing. Your podcast is never "done." Your kids are... well, they're kids. Nothing about parenting ever feels complete.
And when everything in your life is a hanging project, you need something—anything—that you can start and finish. Something you have control over.
It doesn't have to be banana bread. It can be a 20-minute painting. A short run. A perfectly organized junk drawer.
The point isn't the task itself. It's that you controlled it. You finished it. You felt competent.
And that matters more than you think.
The trap high-achievers fall into (and how to get out)
If you're a high-achiever—someone who's always been praised for your work ethic, your hustle, your ability to Get Shit Done—you probably tie your self-worth to your productivity.
When you're working, you feel amazing, valuable, like you matter.
And you feel the opposite when you're not working: guilty, anxious, like you're falling behind.
So you work late and on weekends. You mentally never leave the office, even when you're physically home with your family.
And then one day, you're on a walk with your kid. They're stopping to look at every flower. Picking berries. Moving at a glacial pace. And you're standing there thinking about all the emails you could be answering instead.
That's the moment when you realize something has to change.
Because here's the thing: your daughter is only two years old once. She's only going to want to pick berries with you for a few more years before she decides you're embarrassing and stops asking.
And all those work projects? They'll still be there tomorrow. Next week. Next month.
But that moment, it's happening right now, and you're fully missing it.
The shift isn't about working less. It's about asking yourself: To what end?
Are you working this hard because it genuinely moves the needle? Or because you've internalized the belief that your worth is tied to your productivity?
Are you happy? Or are you just... busy?
Why women are always helping (and what it's costing us)
Let's talk about something you probably already know but haven't quite named: women help more.
Research backs this up. Women take on more helping behavior at work and at home. And here's the part that'll make you simultaneously nod and want to scream: women pass on whatever resources they have.
Had a good morning where your partner actually remembered the lunch boxes? Great! You'll be more generous at work helping your coworkers.
Had a supportive day at work? You'll come home and be more available for your family.
Meanwhile, men don't show the same pattern. And when men have demanding days, they withdraw completely.
Women don't.
We just keep helping. Keep showing up. Keep being available.
Even when we're running on empty.
And then we wonder why we're resentful.
This isn't about blaming anyone. It's about awareness. Because if you're constantly giving and never receiving, if you're always the one helping and never the one being helped, that resentment will build.
And it'll poison everything.
The real fix is actually talking about it before you explode
Here's the unglamorous truth about preventing resentment: you have to talk about it.
Not after you've reached your breaking point. Not after you've rage-washed dishes at 10 PM for the third night in a row.
Early. Often. Honestly.
Some couples do this by reading each other. How much energy do you have left in the tank today? Are you taking this tantrum, or am I?
It's about wanting the best for your partner, but also taking the moment when you really need it. And if both people have that same strategy—if you both genuinely have each other's backs—it works.
But you can't do it silently. You can't assume your partner sees everything you're doing. (Spoiler: they don't. Just like you don't see everything they're doing.)
Talk about it. Name it. Make it visible.
And if you need a system, use one. The Fair Play method with the card deck? Great. Not for keeping score, but for raising awareness about who's actually doing what.
Because the goal isn't perfection. It's not a perfectly equal 50/50 split.
It's both of you feeling seen, supported, and like the division of labor is fair.
That's it.
What if the answer isn't balance at all?
Maybe the problem isn't that we're bad at balance. Maybe it's that "balance" was always the wrong goal.
Because balance implies equal weight. Equal time. Equal energy distributed across all areas of your life.
But life doesn't work that way. Sometimes work needs more of you. Sometimes your family does. Sometimes you need more of you.
The real question isn't "Am I balanced?" It's "Am I fulfilled?"
Are your needs being met—autonomy, competence, belonging—across the different areas of your life?
Do you feel in control somewhere, even if it's just over what you're making for dinner?
Do you feel good at something, even if it's not work-related?
Do you feel connected to people, even if it's not through endless networking events?
If the answer is yes, you're probably doing better than you think.
And if the answer is no, you don't need another time management system. You need to figure out where those needs can be met. And then you need to actually let them be met.
Stop trying to do it all. Start trying to be happy.
Ready to stop chasing balance and start building happiness?
This entire conversation came from a podcast episode I recorded with Professor Lieke ten Brummelhuis, a researcher at Simon Fraser University who studies employee wellbeing and wrote the book Work Life Strategy. We talked about why "doing it all" is a myth, how to recover from workaholism, why gender differences in helping behavior matter, and how to prevent resentment from building up with your partner.
If this resonated with you, listen to the full episode below. Lieke shares so much more, including her thoughts on remote work, how to audit where your needs are being met, and what she's still figuring out as a working parent herself.
Connect with Lieke ten Brummelhuis